[OOC] Stefan's Diaries - The Craving

[bromanticide]

So the novels aren't great. I kept buying them out of the fornlorn hope that something magical will happen. AND SOMETHING DID. So I present: The Craving. 

[NEW YORK]
Stefan: Making monologues about killing squirrels--Wait, I SMELL HUMAN BLOOD. Crap. I guess I should save her [whisks her to her home]
Her VERY VERY RICH Family: STAY HERE OR WE'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR TROUSERS
Stefan: Crap

Stefan: Man Lydia and Bridget remind me of mirror versions of myself and Damon. This analogy is no way going to bite me back in the ass later.

Winfield: Take the daughter you saved to the ball
Stefan: ....
Winfield: We still have your trousers
Stefan: FML

Bridget: Come meet Count Damon DeSangue
Stefan: Seriously? DeSangue? That's not even subtle!
Damon: Oh hello mysterious Italian stranger. We could be brothers!
Stefan: ... And that's even less subtle.

Damon: Look at how awesome my life is.
Stefan: Whoop.
Damon: Now I need you to marry Bridget while I marry Lydia. Or I kill everyone.
Stefan: I knew that analogy was going to get me!

[WEDDING PLANNING, THEY ACTUALLY GET MARRIED]

Damon: Man, this wine is good when laced with blood.
Stefan: OH MY GOD I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! [leaves]
Damon: Was it something I said?

Damon: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO RUN AWAY FROM ME so I'm dragging you home.
Stefan: sob kay but I'm going to insinuate you still have humanity in you.
Damon: Just for that, I'm killing the cabbie
Stefan: This feels like future deja vu

[They return home, THE ENTIRE FAMILY IS DEAD]
Stefan: SEE? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET MARRIED, GOD

[Then stuff happens, Lexi is awesome, Damon saves Stefan and leaves, while Stefan goes to San Fran to brood]
Stefan: Dear diary, I get the feeling Katherine is laughing at us.
Katherine: [not too far away] HAHAHAHAHA.

THE END.